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Long Live Star Wars!

The Top 15 Han Solo Quotes You Need to Use in Regular Conversation
Written by Anthony Burch

We at DoubleViking consider Han Solo to be the apex of all that is manly. He’s our number one role model, he’s a badass in his own right, and his sarcastic, roguish presence helped make the original trilogy vastly superior to the crappy prequels. He’s so cool, in fact, that we have to suggest you model your life around him – or, at the very least, use some of his quotes in everyday conversation. So, without further ado, here are the fifteen best Han Solo quotes (and when to say them), ranked in order of importance.

15. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

When to say it: When you get a bad feeling, obviously

Had Han Solo been the only character to speak this line in the entire series, it definitely would have been much higher on the list. In reality, sadly, the line is present in every single Star Wars film, thus downplaying its importance as a method of character development, instead turning it into a device that allows George Lucas to wink at the audience. It’s a cute line, but it’s not distinctly Han Solo.

14. “Had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly alright now. We're fine, we're all fine, here, now, thank you. How are you?”

When to say it: When your cell phone signal begins to break up

Granted, this is a Star Wars quote which will almost immediately get recognized as a Star Wars quote -- hopefully, you’ll never find yourself in a real life situation where you have to use the term “weapons malfunction.” Still, though, if you’ve got to go through the typically banal “wait, you’re breaking up – can you hear me?” conversation with a friend over your phone, why not throw in a Han Solo quote for good measure? Pretty much everything Harrison Ford says in the series is gold – in everyday life, one should always be searching for methods, no matter how forced, to speak the words of Han Solo.

13. “No, no, NO. THIS one goes THERE, THAT one goes THERE.”

When to say it: When working on a project with a partner

This particular quote won’t make you look particularly cool or Han Solo-ish, but if you use this quote on someone and they recognize it as what Han yells to Chewie at the beginning of Empire Strikes Back, marry them. Immediately. Doesn’t matter what gender they are.

12. “Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.”

When to say it: When a friend accomplishes something

As much as you like your friends, you can’t give them too much credit: genuine enthusiasm from one friend to another is generally a trait only shared by women, and Han Solo is decidedly not a woman (in fact, his penis could probably break concrete). You can only use this line (or lines like it) for only so long towards your friends – one must be careful to stay in the realm of “lovable asshole” and not crossover into “outright asshole” territory. You want your friends to stay your friends, regardless of how much you may want to mock their accomplishments.

11. “Never tell me the odds!”

When to say it: When gambling

If anything, a decision to not know the odds when gambling seems like lunacy. Logic would dictate that if you bet on a boxing match, you’d damn well better know the spread, right? Well, not if you want to look like a bad-ass, you don’t. Refusing to hear the odds when gambling is so blatant a mistake, so obvious a screw-up, that the other gamblers around you will have no choice but to seriously consider what you hope to accomplish by insulating yourself from the odds. Some of the more nervous men, influenced by your steadfast refusal to play by the rules, may change their bets. Their changed bets will influence others to change bets, and, before you know it, your one line of Han Solo dialogue has completely reversed the spread. And if, by chance, your boxer of choice should actually win, then you will be viewed as a gambling prodigy – a man with an unconventional, unbeatable system who knows exactly what he is doing. And as is the case with so many of these Han quotes, seeming to know what you’re doing is a lot more important than actually knowing what you’re doing.

10. “Yeah, I’ll bet you have.”

When to say it: When an intergalactic bounty hunter tells you he’s been waiting a long time to bring you in

But after you say it, MAKE SURE TO SHOOT FIRST. Even if you somehow manage to “dodge” his blaster shot and return fire in self-defense, it will look nowhere near as cool as if you’d just taken the initiative and blasted the sonofabitch before he knew what hit him. Honestly, what kind of moron would even consider not having Han shoot first?

9. “Here’s where the fun begins.”

When to say it: When you’re about to enter a dangerous situation

The purposes of this quote are twofold: firstly, it gives a greater sense of gravitas to whatever situation you are about to undertake. Even if it’s something as simple as getting called to your boss’s office, or taking an off-road shortcut on the way home, this quote alone will make the event seem much more dramatic and cool. Secondly, having made the event seem much cooler and more dangerous than it actually is, this quote will make the speaker seem that much more skilled, self-assured and bad-ass in the context of the event.

8. “You know, sometimes I amaze even myself.”

When to say it: Anytime

This is pretty much the catch-all arrogant wise-ass phrase to use whenever you do something worthy of congratulation. And if you consider yourself an arrogant wise-ass, then everything you do is worthy of congratulation.

7. “What an incredible smell you’ve discovered!”

When to say it: Anytime you smell something awful

When showing disgust, one has to show repulsion and righteous indignation without seeming like a complete and utter pansy, which is where this quote comes into play. Han is obviously not happy that Leia convinced him to jump down a garbage chute, but at the same time, he’s not running around, whining and crying over the fact that he’s knee-deep in human fecal matter. The “incredible smell” line serves as the perfect balance of arrogant irritation and bad-ass indifference to use when someone lets out a particularly gruesome fart.

6. “Laugh it up, fuzzball.”

When to say it: When a fat/hairy person laughs at you

Again: not outright whiny and confrontational, but this line lets everyone know that you mean business and that you’re tired of their crap. Nobody would dare ignore an insult as unconventional-yet-harsh as “fuzzball,” but they also wouldn’t start a fight over it.

5. “Wonderful girl. Either I’m going to kill her, or I’m beginning to like her.”

When to say it: When talking about a woman you’re attracted to

It’s okay to show attraction to a woman, but not unqualified attraction. It’s okay to show that you would very much like to date a girl you’ve just met, but only so long as you remember to state that you don’t really like her that much. Guys who show unqualified attraction to potential mates usually end up as the schmoes who get screwed over when push comes to shove (“push,” in this case, being a synonym for “woman,” while “shove” is a synonym for “musician”). Not to mention that if the girl hears you use this line, her curiosity will be piqued: why does he like me? Why does he want to kill me? Such curiosity will lead her to talk to you more frequently in a teasing attempt to get you to reveal what you really think about her. So long as you never reveal the truth, the teasing will make way for flirting, and the flirting will more than likely make way for astounding amounts of unprotected sex.

4. “How we doin’?”
“Same as always.”
“That bad, huh?”

When to say it: When asking someone about their day

Ah, world-weariness. The idea that you’ve seen everything, done everything and had sex with everything, and yet you still consider life to be generally disappointing and awful. When using a quote like this, people will wonder why you’re so world-weary, and, if you don’t tell them, you’ll seem to have some sort of dark and mysterious past that you never talk about, despite the reality that you spent most of your childhood eating Cheetos and watching Thundercats. Is there a more wonderfully cynical, yet strangely attractive worldview to have? I think not.

3. “I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny.”

When to say it: During a debate on religion

It doesn’t matter if you actually believe in God; you have to use this quote in a debate on religion. It’s specific and useful enough to not necessarily seem like a Star Wars quote, and it’s got just the right amount of pseudo-philosophy and world-weary ranting to make you seem infinitely cooler than the other person in the debate. Yeah, you’ve been around. You’ve seen the world. You know what it has to offer. And, you know what? None of it impresses you. You are in charge of your life. God? Psh. Who needs him? Granted, after the debate is done you may need to go home and pray for twenty straight minutes as a method of apologizing to your deity of choice, but the important thing is that, to the guy you argued against, you look like a total bad-ass who remains completely unafraid of Jehovah’s wrath.

2. “Hey…it’s me!”

When to say it: When someone tells you to “be careful”

Who are they to doubt you? Hey, it’s you! If you weren’t the careful, clever guy you were, you’d be dead by now. You don’t need expressions of worry – you’re too cool for that. Admittedly, right after Han says this in ROTJ he steps on a twig and alerts every stormtrooper in the vicinity to his presence, but ignore that for now.

1. “I love you.”
“I know.”

When to say it: Duh

If you use this line at least once in your lifetime, you can die a happy man. It is the epitome of everything Han Solo stands for: cocky and bad-ass, yet sincere. It’s rumored that George Lucas (though he didn’t direct Empire Strikes Back, or even write its screenplay) wanted Han to tell Leia that he “loved her too,” but Harrison Ford demanded that the current version of the line we all adore so very much. Solo’s final line to Leia before getting his shit carbonite-frozen is, bar-none, the greatest moment in the entire Star Wars saga.

Not to mention that if you use this line on a woman who is legitimately expressing love for you, it will drive her nuts. If there’s one thing women love – other than musicians – it’s having strong feelings for someone who doesn’t reciprocate them (especially if the person in question is a musician). If you respond to “I love you” with “I love you, too,” you’re essentially begging the woman to lose interest in you. Making an arrogant, not-quite reciprocation of that love that hints at possible affection without outright stating it is the most intelligent thing you can possibly do; it keeps the mystery up, it keeps you in control and you keep your dignity intact.
Han Solo knows this. That’s why he’s Han Solo.